This past week I've been serving as a juror on a trial. In all honesty, I've loved it. I kind of wish I could just be a juror permanently, like as a job or something. Surprisingly, I've actually been enjoying my job lately, but damn, it's so nice to actually just use my brain. This is how I know I'm ready for academia, I'mm actually craving the idea of using my brain properly, and not just doing something completely mindless. I'm in the works of getting that ball rolling, in all honesty. I've almost completed my uni application, I have one more paragraph remaining (I think this is the hardest one to write, if I'm being honest.) then I just need to format the document to match my resume and then I'm good. Also need to attach VCE cert.

who?

 feel very much like i've lost all sense of self. I'm unsure if this is due to the effects of being in and out of lockdowns, or what? I also feel quite down about this, i'm so unsure, its like I need to build myself up from scratch. Who am I? What do I like? At the root of it - without anyone judging, or feeling the need to succumb to societal pressures and expectations - who am I?

I think tomorrow I'm just going to have to sit down, perhaps or go on a walk or smth and try and figure what or rather - who I am and what is going on?

Once the world reopens, I need to put certain things into place, but the question is what are those things? I know there's certain things I would like to do, but I keep questioning whether or not I would actually want to? almost like talking myself out of things that I think I intrinsically would enjoy. I also feel like this is not normal behavior, but also it's too complex of a thought to try and explain to anyone (except maybe Svensk Sis, duh). I feel like normal people wouldn't be idk spiraling trying to figure out what they like and who they are?

I also wonder if this maybe due to very little in my life-changing the last 2 years, and if I think about it on a career level and that stuff very little has changed for the majority of my twenties. Perhaps the thing that I need to do is completely break free from all the pressure I've put on myself, and also from the ideas and weird pressures I've put on myself surrounding the things that I feel like I need to do? Like, maybe fuck it - I need to go and find a beautiful house in the countryside and go live there for a bit. Or maybe, find a cute apartment and make it my own, read and cook lots. I think tomorrow I will try watch a lot of those soul-searchng videos (since huh, can't go backpacking or hop on a plane anywhere) and maybe do a mind map trying to figure it all out. I have a psych appt on Saturday which honestly I'm kind of ceebs about because I hate having to do them via telehealth.. I was thinking of canceling, but now I'm like oh since I'm having these thoughts is it worth keeping the appointment? urrrghhhhhhhh!!!! 

ok I'm a touch sleepy so probably need to go to bed. 

to do lockdown: 

dye hair

buy a bike

start learning language again

apply for uni

apply for jobs

work out 2 x weekly minimum

backup + reset phone

try meditating???????????????????

bridal

lately, Snapchat added both 'Curvy Brides Bouqtiue' and 'Say Yes To The Dress' onto its mini story thing. I love it. I guess ever since I've been little, I've dreamed of a wedding. Perhaps it's steeped in patriarchy or heteronormativity but oh my heavens I'm such a sucker for these wedding shows. 

Say Yes, is one that I hold dear in my heart - I remember in Sweden when Sis and I watched it all day on repeat bc there were back-to-back episodes, and I don't know there is something so blissfully CUTE about watching wedding shows with your best best friend. It's a little bittersweet now in the covid era since international travel isn't an option right now. Neither of us have any plans for marriage, let alone partners, but it's the idea that at least if it was going to happen in the next year or two (??????? I mean we are 27... but still lol?) it right not be possible for us to share those quintessential moments together. That makes me really sad. It's difficult losing these moments due to the global pandemic, and I am grateful to have had all these experiences during our early twenties, but I definitely am saddened to think of opportunities or plans that never came to fruition or the fact that the last year we were able to go overseas (at least here) we didn't meet that year. I haven't thought about that much but ah, it's rough. 

It's hard to even foresee any of this happening in my own personal life, and watching these shows tonight (Saturday night, Melbourne lockdown six and feeling a tad lonely) but it's definitely perhaps rekindling that desire that I do have to have that day and experience that level of love. Despite being wrapped under layers and layers of cynicism I am a true romantic. It made me laugh when I told J this and she was shocked, and in all honesty, I can see why! 

On a deeper level, am I just so quick to reject others in fear of being placed in a vulnerable state? Only just to brush it off with claims I wasn't interested in, or a stupid joke and a soon-to-be-forgotten contact number... It's hard to know. I know that being vulnerable is hard, and I know to feel something, anything, one must open their heart to receive that level of love. I only had the smallest taste of that at the start of the year with T, but wasn't it sweet? More about that another time, I suppose.

Another thought I had whilst watching was about E, we would always gush over details about our future weddings, for as long as I can remember it was just something we bonded over. I knew exactly where I would slot into her wedding, hell, I could describe her dream wedding to you now, even right down to the bridesmaid dresses. I am, for the most part, happy that we are estranged, it's still difficult when these poignant and grand moments in life do occur. It's weird knowing she's engaged, has two children - a third on the way (thanks facebook!), bought a house and I only know these details from the outside in. Sometimes I wonder, what are the babies like? Would we still be so close? Would I still have that place as a bridesmaid? Would my growth into the person I am continued to cause conflict? Would I have eventually stood up to her? I can only guess. I find it hard, sometimes. On the odd occasion, she appears in my dreams, but thankfully, it's no longer entrenched in trauma like the nightmares once were. This does feel better, sometimes i do have fleeting thoughts like what would happen if we rekindled but what the hell NO. that would be a terrible idea. Perhaps in 10 years, sure, maybe we could be casual friends but I do know for sure that I feel much calmer without the stressors of her in my life. I also do sometimes wonder, what would it have been like during covid era, but also given the children and what not it would look different anyway, and that's something I need to remember.

ANYWAY, I'm thirsty and I feel like a cocktail, so going to make that and then continue braiding my hair and watching wedding shows. x x x 

unrelated to do list:

- message L back (!!!!)

- apply for government grant (totally forgot to during the last lockdown incidentally that was like a week ago)

- clean desk

- big w order

- maybe write Sis a letter, the post office is one of the few things open these days!

drained

 I've felt extremely drained today. the day started by me waking up fairly early, I stayed in bed for a while and then continued with braiding my hair before wrapping it up for a Zoom 'brunch' with some friends. We were supposed to go for breakfast, but we had to cancel due to lockdown, so instead, we did it online. I felt like i lost interest or the ability to pay attention halfway (adhd? or just depression?) I hate Zoom and Zoom culture. It's exhausting. Also, I'm not in the headspace at the moment to have to 'mask' as my psychologist (who is, useless, by the way. I want to find a new one) calls it; having to put on a charade and play the role of 'cheerful human' which for a long time i genuinely was, but these days i am not. Also it concerns me how well i can play that role too. 

Unfortunately for me, I am just too damn exhausted to do so. Between that and my reduced social battery, I'm finding it difficult to be sociable, especially since at work (customer service) I am forced to play the role of 'cheerful human', which thereby makes it so much harder to have that energy in the areas I'd much rather put it into. I also went for a walk with a friend which was nice, since i felt that i didn't have to mask, but i felt a bit like i was her listening post (basically: we both feel like everyone else is using us for that and we don't get the chance to vent ourselves.)

It's hard because yes, i do want to open up, but i also seriously do not wish to open up. The road to recovery is about sharing, lightening the burden but i feel a bit like no-one will really listen or let me vent without offering some sort of solution. Which is great like of course it's nice to have people offer a caring solution but i kind of just want to vent. I know the causes of my problems narrow down to not feeling happy with any facets of my life, and of course we all have the power to change these things, and I definitely feel like i am probably being pathetic by not doing anything about it, but I'm just to gahdang exhausted to be able to put energy into any of it. 

 I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY. HOW THE FUCK ARE WE HERE AGAIN? 

Lockdown 5 has just been announced. I'm so fucking tired of this shit, man. How the HELL are we here again? It's devastating, honestly. I've also been feeling incredibly low-spirited lately and this is not great. I feel like screaming, crying and throwing a tantrum - except I'm 27 so I just went to breadtop and vented my thoughts on twitter. 

I'm not really going to write about lockdown since well, this is the 5th time we've done this but it's fucking frustrating. Last time I was excited but its difficult to imagine feeling jovial about a week off right now. 

Basically, this last week I've done the shit part of my new roster: 6 days in a row, with only one day off before that. (6 days on, 3 off, 4 on, 1 off. repeat.) It's my second time doing this and honestly, the way it fucks with my mental health is insane. I have felt so unwell, and frankly depressed this last week. The same thing happened beforehand. I've also noted that I've had certain feelings that I suppose are concerning. I've lost my social battery, even at work (usually i can fake it with customers but I have no tolerance or desire to pretend to be happy. My job is draining.) which is concerning. So much (as one friend put it) of my identity is being a sociable person. I look at how i used to be and honestly i was out 3-4 times a week plus then i did gym classes on top of that. It's very difficult to imagine that now. 

backlog

 i have a serious backlog of things that are either 1) sitting in the drafts 2) haven't actually written but I have wanted to write about.  I hope t get around to posting them soon! it's nice to sit down and write about things even if they are seemingly meaningless (is anything meaningless though? Or is everything?). Justchill to catalogue my life hey.

grrrrr

 tw: diet, food, weight, disordered eating

ok, this is sort of stupid and probably not what I would normally post, not what I would intend to post on this blog either, but it made me quite frustrated so I'm just going to rant here for a moment.

Just before, I took the dog outside to use the toilet for the night, and then came back inside and then announced to my parents (ugh, 27 and still at home is growing more annoying by the day lol) that I would quickly dash off to the closest Maccas bc I wanted a late-night treat. I hadn't had anything since dinner and i was peckish. Admittedly, there was stuff at home but I just wanted a drink + a little snack wrap. Like ok yes, there is no need to eat at like 10:30 (?????? tell THAT to anyone who has ever suffered with any type of disordered binge eating. huh. thankfully not a major problem anymore but damn a late night binge used to HIT) 

Anyway, so I just said this bc it would be weird if I just got in my car, esp as it's lockdown lol there are not many places in which one can venture to. Pff, so then my mum said ok I'll join you in the car for a drive (WHAT CAN A GIRL DO TO GET MF'IN ALONE TIME?) and then she said smth to my dad who THEN made a rude remark and said "You should listen to an episode of The Health Report about women, more so millennial women and their weight range. That's all I'm going to say."

COMPLETELY UNCALLED FOR. And also managed to piss me off a LOT. I somewhat tried to resist the urge to roll my eyes but kind of did and then just angrily left the room. To make matters worse, Mum then FOLLOWED me (I think bc she thought we were still going) which annoyed me even more, and then she started telling the dog off for being in the kitchen and I got snappy and she kept asking why I was so irritable?

HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO????????????????????/

I didn't think of it at the time but i wished i made a snappy comeback (I messaged Sam this, who was a nice ear to listen to my rant hahah) along the lines of 'well when i develop an eating disorder DON'T come visit me in hospital'. That is a completely messed up thought AND thing to say, so thankfully I did not because that would've probably caused an issue. Also if anything WELL that shitty comment did curb my appetite, make of that what you will hah. 

Nah, but in all seriousness, it made me SUPER annoyed. Everyone is packing a few extra covid kilos so PLUS we are in yet another Stage 4 lockdown so give. me. a. break. Also it's not like anyone in this house is one to talk about weight, grrr. 

Just kind of annoyed me tremendously. I have quite a high self-esteem (perhaps bordering vain?) but a comment like that was quite offensive in my opinion but also could be incredibly damaging had it been directed at a person with lesser confidence, or who believes the need to change oneself. I really intend on some serious weight loss, but mostly because i want to be active again, i touched on this briefly on an entry which is still sitting in my drafts, so I'll go into that more whenever said post goes live, hahah. 

although, quickly going back to that I feel like whilst I have come a long way in my relationship with food - i still struggle to remember to eat lunch (only lunch) thanks to **** but lockdown seems to help this because the days are long and boring so lunch is almost like an activity. Also - my once nightly binges have almost completely stopped. I can't remember the last time I purged on food for an emotional reason. I never thought this would be the case. Binge eating disorder is such a shameful secret but then i know so many who also struggle with this. it's tricky to find the balance because food is so fun, enjoyable, provides that instant gratification we all love. Like drugs, but tastier. (i assume, have not done any hahah.)

Anyway, I've always thought it would be so interesting to somehow work with people with eating disorders/work in recovery or help younger people who are maybe at risk of forming an eating disorder. It's interesting because they come in so many shapes and sizes, everyone just thinks of anorexia which of course is terrible, but i think there are some disordered eating patterns in which we may not notice ourselves falling into. Or worse, there are some which are almost praised by [social] media ie: orthorexia. I don't know what field of work or study you'd have to do to be able to do that but it's a nice thought. I'm thinking about secondary teaching (more later.) but i feel like it could almost tie into that in a way? like be associated with a school's wellbeing/wellness program?

*** ok i'm posting this now, even though its now the next day and i didn't finish writing this entry because i got distracted and started browsing the target website hehe