Say Yes, is one that I hold dear in my heart - I remember in Sweden when Sis and I watched it all day on repeat bc there were back-to-back episodes, and I don't know there is something so blissfully CUTE about watching wedding shows with your best best friend. It's a little bittersweet now in the covid era since international travel isn't an option right now. Neither of us have any plans for marriage, let alone partners, but it's the idea that at least if it was going to happen in the next year or two (??????? I mean we are 27... but still lol?) it right not be possible for us to share those quintessential moments together. That makes me really sad. It's difficult losing these moments due to the global pandemic, and I am grateful to have had all these experiences during our early twenties, but I definitely am saddened to think of opportunities or plans that never came to fruition or the fact that the last year we were able to go overseas (at least here) we didn't meet that year. I haven't thought about that much but ah, it's rough.
It's hard to even foresee any of this happening in my own personal life, and watching these shows tonight (Saturday night, Melbourne lockdown six and feeling a tad lonely) but it's definitely perhaps rekindling that desire that I do have to have that day and experience that level of love. Despite being wrapped under layers and layers of cynicism I am a true romantic. It made me laugh when I told J this and she was shocked, and in all honesty, I can see why!
On a deeper level, am I just so quick to reject others in fear of being placed in a vulnerable state? Only just to brush it off with claims I wasn't interested in, or a stupid joke and a soon-to-be-forgotten contact number... It's hard to know. I know that being vulnerable is hard, and I know to feel something, anything, one must open their heart to receive that level of love. I only had the smallest taste of that at the start of the year with T, but wasn't it sweet? More about that another time, I suppose.
Another thought I had whilst watching was about E, we would always gush over details about our future weddings, for as long as I can remember it was just something we bonded over. I knew exactly where I would slot into her wedding, hell, I could describe her dream wedding to you now, even right down to the bridesmaid dresses. I am, for the most part, happy that we are estranged, it's still difficult when these poignant and grand moments in life do occur. It's weird knowing she's engaged, has two children - a third on the way (thanks facebook!), bought a house and I only know these details from the outside in. Sometimes I wonder, what are the babies like? Would we still be so close? Would I still have that place as a bridesmaid? Would my growth into the person I am continued to cause conflict? Would I have eventually stood up to her? I can only guess. I find it hard, sometimes. On the odd occasion, she appears in my dreams, but thankfully, it's no longer entrenched in trauma like the nightmares once were. This does feel better, sometimes i do have fleeting thoughts like what would happen if we rekindled but what the hell NO. that would be a terrible idea. Perhaps in 10 years, sure, maybe we could be casual friends but I do know for sure that I feel much calmer without the stressors of her in my life. I also do sometimes wonder, what would it have been like during covid era, but also given the children and what not it would look different anyway, and that's something I need to remember.
ANYWAY, I'm thirsty and I feel like a cocktail, so going to make that and then continue braiding my hair and watching wedding shows. x x x
unrelated to do list:
- message L back (!!!!)
- apply for government grant (totally forgot to during the last lockdown incidentally that was like a week ago)
- clean desk
- big w order
- maybe write Sis a letter, the post office is one of the few things open these days!
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