who?

 feel very much like i've lost all sense of self. I'm unsure if this is due to the effects of being in and out of lockdowns, or what? I also feel quite down about this, i'm so unsure, its like I need to build myself up from scratch. Who am I? What do I like? At the root of it - without anyone judging, or feeling the need to succumb to societal pressures and expectations - who am I?

I think tomorrow I'm just going to have to sit down, perhaps or go on a walk or smth and try and figure what or rather - who I am and what is going on?

Once the world reopens, I need to put certain things into place, but the question is what are those things? I know there's certain things I would like to do, but I keep questioning whether or not I would actually want to? almost like talking myself out of things that I think I intrinsically would enjoy. I also feel like this is not normal behavior, but also it's too complex of a thought to try and explain to anyone (except maybe Svensk Sis, duh). I feel like normal people wouldn't be idk spiraling trying to figure out what they like and who they are?

I also wonder if this maybe due to very little in my life-changing the last 2 years, and if I think about it on a career level and that stuff very little has changed for the majority of my twenties. Perhaps the thing that I need to do is completely break free from all the pressure I've put on myself, and also from the ideas and weird pressures I've put on myself surrounding the things that I feel like I need to do? Like, maybe fuck it - I need to go and find a beautiful house in the countryside and go live there for a bit. Or maybe, find a cute apartment and make it my own, read and cook lots. I think tomorrow I will try watch a lot of those soul-searchng videos (since huh, can't go backpacking or hop on a plane anywhere) and maybe do a mind map trying to figure it all out. I have a psych appt on Saturday which honestly I'm kind of ceebs about because I hate having to do them via telehealth.. I was thinking of canceling, but now I'm like oh since I'm having these thoughts is it worth keeping the appointment? urrrghhhhhhhh!!!! 

ok I'm a touch sleepy so probably need to go to bed. 

to do lockdown: 

dye hair

buy a bike

start learning language again

apply for uni

apply for jobs

work out 2 x weekly minimum

backup + reset phone

try meditating???????????????????