who?

 feel very much like i've lost all sense of self. I'm unsure if this is due to the effects of being in and out of lockdowns, or what? I also feel quite down about this, i'm so unsure, its like I need to build myself up from scratch. Who am I? What do I like? At the root of it - without anyone judging, or feeling the need to succumb to societal pressures and expectations - who am I?

I think tomorrow I'm just going to have to sit down, perhaps or go on a walk or smth and try and figure what or rather - who I am and what is going on?

Once the world reopens, I need to put certain things into place, but the question is what are those things? I know there's certain things I would like to do, but I keep questioning whether or not I would actually want to? almost like talking myself out of things that I think I intrinsically would enjoy. I also feel like this is not normal behavior, but also it's too complex of a thought to try and explain to anyone (except maybe Svensk Sis, duh). I feel like normal people wouldn't be idk spiraling trying to figure out what they like and who they are?

I also wonder if this maybe due to very little in my life-changing the last 2 years, and if I think about it on a career level and that stuff very little has changed for the majority of my twenties. Perhaps the thing that I need to do is completely break free from all the pressure I've put on myself, and also from the ideas and weird pressures I've put on myself surrounding the things that I feel like I need to do? Like, maybe fuck it - I need to go and find a beautiful house in the countryside and go live there for a bit. Or maybe, find a cute apartment and make it my own, read and cook lots. I think tomorrow I will try watch a lot of those soul-searchng videos (since huh, can't go backpacking or hop on a plane anywhere) and maybe do a mind map trying to figure it all out. I have a psych appt on Saturday which honestly I'm kind of ceebs about because I hate having to do them via telehealth.. I was thinking of canceling, but now I'm like oh since I'm having these thoughts is it worth keeping the appointment? urrrghhhhhhhh!!!! 

ok I'm a touch sleepy so probably need to go to bed. 

to do lockdown: 

dye hair

buy a bike

start learning language again

apply for uni

apply for jobs

work out 2 x weekly minimum

backup + reset phone

try meditating???????????????????

bridal

lately, Snapchat added both 'Curvy Brides Bouqtiue' and 'Say Yes To The Dress' onto its mini story thing. I love it. I guess ever since I've been little, I've dreamed of a wedding. Perhaps it's steeped in patriarchy or heteronormativity but oh my heavens I'm such a sucker for these wedding shows. 

Say Yes, is one that I hold dear in my heart - I remember in Sweden when Sis and I watched it all day on repeat bc there were back-to-back episodes, and I don't know there is something so blissfully CUTE about watching wedding shows with your best best friend. It's a little bittersweet now in the covid era since international travel isn't an option right now. Neither of us have any plans for marriage, let alone partners, but it's the idea that at least if it was going to happen in the next year or two (??????? I mean we are 27... but still lol?) it right not be possible for us to share those quintessential moments together. That makes me really sad. It's difficult losing these moments due to the global pandemic, and I am grateful to have had all these experiences during our early twenties, but I definitely am saddened to think of opportunities or plans that never came to fruition or the fact that the last year we were able to go overseas (at least here) we didn't meet that year. I haven't thought about that much but ah, it's rough. 

It's hard to even foresee any of this happening in my own personal life, and watching these shows tonight (Saturday night, Melbourne lockdown six and feeling a tad lonely) but it's definitely perhaps rekindling that desire that I do have to have that day and experience that level of love. Despite being wrapped under layers and layers of cynicism I am a true romantic. It made me laugh when I told J this and she was shocked, and in all honesty, I can see why! 

On a deeper level, am I just so quick to reject others in fear of being placed in a vulnerable state? Only just to brush it off with claims I wasn't interested in, or a stupid joke and a soon-to-be-forgotten contact number... It's hard to know. I know that being vulnerable is hard, and I know to feel something, anything, one must open their heart to receive that level of love. I only had the smallest taste of that at the start of the year with T, but wasn't it sweet? More about that another time, I suppose.

Another thought I had whilst watching was about E, we would always gush over details about our future weddings, for as long as I can remember it was just something we bonded over. I knew exactly where I would slot into her wedding, hell, I could describe her dream wedding to you now, even right down to the bridesmaid dresses. I am, for the most part, happy that we are estranged, it's still difficult when these poignant and grand moments in life do occur. It's weird knowing she's engaged, has two children - a third on the way (thanks facebook!), bought a house and I only know these details from the outside in. Sometimes I wonder, what are the babies like? Would we still be so close? Would I still have that place as a bridesmaid? Would my growth into the person I am continued to cause conflict? Would I have eventually stood up to her? I can only guess. I find it hard, sometimes. On the odd occasion, she appears in my dreams, but thankfully, it's no longer entrenched in trauma like the nightmares once were. This does feel better, sometimes i do have fleeting thoughts like what would happen if we rekindled but what the hell NO. that would be a terrible idea. Perhaps in 10 years, sure, maybe we could be casual friends but I do know for sure that I feel much calmer without the stressors of her in my life. I also do sometimes wonder, what would it have been like during covid era, but also given the children and what not it would look different anyway, and that's something I need to remember.

ANYWAY, I'm thirsty and I feel like a cocktail, so going to make that and then continue braiding my hair and watching wedding shows. x x x 

unrelated to do list:

- message L back (!!!!)

- apply for government grant (totally forgot to during the last lockdown incidentally that was like a week ago)

- clean desk

- big w order

- maybe write Sis a letter, the post office is one of the few things open these days!