drained

 I've felt extremely drained today. the day started by me waking up fairly early, I stayed in bed for a while and then continued with braiding my hair before wrapping it up for a Zoom 'brunch' with some friends. We were supposed to go for breakfast, but we had to cancel due to lockdown, so instead, we did it online. I felt like i lost interest or the ability to pay attention halfway (adhd? or just depression?) I hate Zoom and Zoom culture. It's exhausting. Also, I'm not in the headspace at the moment to have to 'mask' as my psychologist (who is, useless, by the way. I want to find a new one) calls it; having to put on a charade and play the role of 'cheerful human' which for a long time i genuinely was, but these days i am not. Also it concerns me how well i can play that role too. 

Unfortunately for me, I am just too damn exhausted to do so. Between that and my reduced social battery, I'm finding it difficult to be sociable, especially since at work (customer service) I am forced to play the role of 'cheerful human', which thereby makes it so much harder to have that energy in the areas I'd much rather put it into. I also went for a walk with a friend which was nice, since i felt that i didn't have to mask, but i felt a bit like i was her listening post (basically: we both feel like everyone else is using us for that and we don't get the chance to vent ourselves.)

It's hard because yes, i do want to open up, but i also seriously do not wish to open up. The road to recovery is about sharing, lightening the burden but i feel a bit like no-one will really listen or let me vent without offering some sort of solution. Which is great like of course it's nice to have people offer a caring solution but i kind of just want to vent. I know the causes of my problems narrow down to not feeling happy with any facets of my life, and of course we all have the power to change these things, and I definitely feel like i am probably being pathetic by not doing anything about it, but I'm just to gahdang exhausted to be able to put energy into any of it. 

 I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY. HOW THE FUCK ARE WE HERE AGAIN? 

Lockdown 5 has just been announced. I'm so fucking tired of this shit, man. How the HELL are we here again? It's devastating, honestly. I've also been feeling incredibly low-spirited lately and this is not great. I feel like screaming, crying and throwing a tantrum - except I'm 27 so I just went to breadtop and vented my thoughts on twitter. 

I'm not really going to write about lockdown since well, this is the 5th time we've done this but it's fucking frustrating. Last time I was excited but its difficult to imagine feeling jovial about a week off right now. 

Basically, this last week I've done the shit part of my new roster: 6 days in a row, with only one day off before that. (6 days on, 3 off, 4 on, 1 off. repeat.) It's my second time doing this and honestly, the way it fucks with my mental health is insane. I have felt so unwell, and frankly depressed this last week. The same thing happened beforehand. I've also noted that I've had certain feelings that I suppose are concerning. I've lost my social battery, even at work (usually i can fake it with customers but I have no tolerance or desire to pretend to be happy. My job is draining.) which is concerning. So much (as one friend put it) of my identity is being a sociable person. I look at how i used to be and honestly i was out 3-4 times a week plus then i did gym classes on top of that. It's very difficult to imagine that now.