backlog

 i have a serious backlog of things that are either 1) sitting in the drafts 2) haven't actually written but I have wanted to write about.  I hope t get around to posting them soon! it's nice to sit down and write about things even if they are seemingly meaningless (is anything meaningless though? Or is everything?). Justchill to catalogue my life hey.

grrrrr

 tw: diet, food, weight, disordered eating

ok, this is sort of stupid and probably not what I would normally post, not what I would intend to post on this blog either, but it made me quite frustrated so I'm just going to rant here for a moment.

Just before, I took the dog outside to use the toilet for the night, and then came back inside and then announced to my parents (ugh, 27 and still at home is growing more annoying by the day lol) that I would quickly dash off to the closest Maccas bc I wanted a late-night treat. I hadn't had anything since dinner and i was peckish. Admittedly, there was stuff at home but I just wanted a drink + a little snack wrap. Like ok yes, there is no need to eat at like 10:30 (?????? tell THAT to anyone who has ever suffered with any type of disordered binge eating. huh. thankfully not a major problem anymore but damn a late night binge used to HIT) 

Anyway, so I just said this bc it would be weird if I just got in my car, esp as it's lockdown lol there are not many places in which one can venture to. Pff, so then my mum said ok I'll join you in the car for a drive (WHAT CAN A GIRL DO TO GET MF'IN ALONE TIME?) and then she said smth to my dad who THEN made a rude remark and said "You should listen to an episode of The Health Report about women, more so millennial women and their weight range. That's all I'm going to say."

COMPLETELY UNCALLED FOR. And also managed to piss me off a LOT. I somewhat tried to resist the urge to roll my eyes but kind of did and then just angrily left the room. To make matters worse, Mum then FOLLOWED me (I think bc she thought we were still going) which annoyed me even more, and then she started telling the dog off for being in the kitchen and I got snappy and she kept asking why I was so irritable?

HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO????????????????????/

I didn't think of it at the time but i wished i made a snappy comeback (I messaged Sam this, who was a nice ear to listen to my rant hahah) along the lines of 'well when i develop an eating disorder DON'T come visit me in hospital'. That is a completely messed up thought AND thing to say, so thankfully I did not because that would've probably caused an issue. Also if anything WELL that shitty comment did curb my appetite, make of that what you will hah. 

Nah, but in all seriousness, it made me SUPER annoyed. Everyone is packing a few extra covid kilos so PLUS we are in yet another Stage 4 lockdown so give. me. a. break. Also it's not like anyone in this house is one to talk about weight, grrr. 

Just kind of annoyed me tremendously. I have quite a high self-esteem (perhaps bordering vain?) but a comment like that was quite offensive in my opinion but also could be incredibly damaging had it been directed at a person with lesser confidence, or who believes the need to change oneself. I really intend on some serious weight loss, but mostly because i want to be active again, i touched on this briefly on an entry which is still sitting in my drafts, so I'll go into that more whenever said post goes live, hahah. 

although, quickly going back to that I feel like whilst I have come a long way in my relationship with food - i still struggle to remember to eat lunch (only lunch) thanks to **** but lockdown seems to help this because the days are long and boring so lunch is almost like an activity. Also - my once nightly binges have almost completely stopped. I can't remember the last time I purged on food for an emotional reason. I never thought this would be the case. Binge eating disorder is such a shameful secret but then i know so many who also struggle with this. it's tricky to find the balance because food is so fun, enjoyable, provides that instant gratification we all love. Like drugs, but tastier. (i assume, have not done any hahah.)

Anyway, I've always thought it would be so interesting to somehow work with people with eating disorders/work in recovery or help younger people who are maybe at risk of forming an eating disorder. It's interesting because they come in so many shapes and sizes, everyone just thinks of anorexia which of course is terrible, but i think there are some disordered eating patterns in which we may not notice ourselves falling into. Or worse, there are some which are almost praised by [social] media ie: orthorexia. I don't know what field of work or study you'd have to do to be able to do that but it's a nice thought. I'm thinking about secondary teaching (more later.) but i feel like it could almost tie into that in a way? like be associated with a school's wellbeing/wellness program?

*** ok i'm posting this now, even though its now the next day and i didn't finish writing this entry because i got distracted and started browsing the target website hehe